Intuitive Eating Reflection #4

Thanks for following along on this journey with me! Here is my latest reflection on Intuitive Eating…

Biggest Challenge: Accepting Weight Gain

As I mentioned in my earlier post, Intuitive Eating Reflection #3, I’ve made a lot of forward progress with food neutrality and have been allowing myself to eat the foods I’ve deemed “forbidden” and “bad” without shame and restriction, but I’ve been struggling with overeating (no doubt due to years of the restrict-binge cycle I put myself through). So I’ve gained weight. And I’m struggling with it. I’m struggling to say loving things to myself when clothes won’t fit. I’m struggling to believe this weight gain is worth it. I’m struggling to be kind to myself when I dislike my reflection even more than before. I’m struggling to believe my husband means it when he says, “you’re beautiful.”  But I also know deep down that this part of the journey (although painful) is all part of the process and something I need to allow myself to do in order to fully embrace intuitive eating and find freedom from disordered eating. I even had a conversation with my husband last week about my weight gain so I could just call it out and clear the air. I was feeling like it was the elephant in the room and I wanted to explain that I’m not “letting myself go” and it’s not that I’m not caring about my body, rather I feel like I have to embrace this in order to care for my body (and mind) even better. This was an incredibly challenging conversation to have because I’ve realized so much of my fear of weight gain is because I fear my husband will leave me or be displeased with me if I gain weight. If your fears are like my fears, I really encourage you to have those difficult conversations too.

Biggest Success: Desire To Treat My Body Well

I’ve gained weight and I feel bad. Like my body feels bad. I’m tired. I’m slow. My joints hurt. I just don’t feel good. And I think this is (and hope this is) the beginning of the next stage of intuitive eating for me. Realizing I don’t like how my body feels when I overeat and eat less nutrient rich foods. I’m beginning to realize that I want to eat well because of how it makes me feel and the life I feel I’m able to live when I fuel my body with what it needs to thrive. I’m moving away from desiring weight loss to determine my worth and acceptance and moving towards desiring health for the ability it gives me to engage in life the way God desires me to engage in life. It’s a mindset away from forbidden food lists because of fear of weight gain and toward wanting to make food choices that treat my body well.

Here are some key mindset shifts I’ve noticed:

Before: If you eat those fries you’re going to gain weight. If you gain weight you’ll be unloveable.

Current: I can totally eat the fries. Eating fries says nothing about my worth. Will eating the fries make my body feel good? Is it treating myself with kindness in this moment?

Before: You’re so fat it’s gross.

Current: I may not love how my body looks, but it’s the only body I’ve got to live this life in and it’s doing a pretty darn good job so far.

Before: Peanut butter is a bad food. It has so much fat. I can’t believe you ate so much peanut butter! You have no self-control. You should never eat peanut butter again. You’re such a failure.

Current: Do I want peanut butter? I can totally have peanut butter if I want it. There are no “good foods” and “bad foods.” This choice does not determine my worth at all.

I am beginning to see how all of these body acceptance strategies and food choices are coming together and it’s really encouraging. To anyone struggling with this journey, be patient and keep pushing forward!