New Clothes

As I’ve mentioned in Intuitive Eating reflection #3 and #4, I’ve gained weight and I’m struggling with it. I have now gained enough weight that some most of the items in my closet do not fit comfortably. This is hard. It’s hard to even write down and it’s especially hard to post on the internet, but when I started this blog, I promised myself I would be honest. So honest I am being.

I know I need to get rid of the clothes that don’t fit. They are triggers and a constant lure to get back into the diet mentality. When I put on clothes that are too tight I think:

… Oh my gosh I can’t believe this shirt is tight! It used to be so loose! I’ve gained so much weight on this journey.

… These shorts look awful now! Oh my gosh I’m so fat now.

And I start to doubt myself and this journey by saying things like:

… Is intuitive eating really worth it?

… Should I just start another diet?

… When will the weight gain stop?

I know the right thing to do is to get rid of the clothes that are triggers. But it’s so hard!

… What if I can fit into this again some day? I really like it.

… What if I start losing weight with intuitive eating? I hope I start losing weight with intuitive eating.

… I’ll just put it back for now and deal with it later.

Deal with it later?! I’m only prolonging the inevitable and leaving a trigger for this whole cycle to start over and over again.

Buying new clothes when you’ve gained weight is not just buying new clothes. Buying new clothes makes me confront the fact that I’ve gained weight. Buying new clothes makes me come face to face with my choice to let go of the diet mentality. And it’s hard! Not to mention it comes with actual price tag.

So in the next few weeks I’ll be shopping a bit more. I’ll be confronting the fact that my sizes will be higher than I’m used to. And I know it’s going to be difficult. But the alternative is keeping my triggers in the closet and shooting myself with shame and disappointment and frustration daily as I get dressed.