Setback Week

A disagreement with my husband over something as silly as laundry detergent was the last straw during a tense week of discussions about moving that sent me into a downward spiral of defeat. It sent me running back to the safe, comfortable clearing of binging and shame, and I ignored the cues to push forward through the muck of my journey like I know I want need to do.

On my way home from work I ignored the voices reminding me to do something that would be an “upward spiral” as Rebecca Scritchfield calls it in her book, Body Kindness. I ignored the voices saying:

… work on the blog it’s something you enjoy

… rest

… journal

… watch a sermon.

All of those thoughts crossed my mind. But when I walked through the door, a glass of wine, popcorn, and netflix sounded way better. So I gave into the voices that said:

… you can eat whatever you want

… pour another glass of wine

… a peanut butter and banana sandwich sounds like a good dinner choice

… and more peanut butter

… and a chocolate, and another chocolate, and just one last chocolate

… and while you’re at it, cookie butter, yes, add the cookie butter.

All I was thinking about was food. What I wanted to eat. What I shouldn’t eat. What sounded good to eat. What I’ll eat right now and then will vow to never eat again.

In the midst of it all, I considered choices I could make to “spiral up.” I thought about calling my cousin and talking to her about our moving discussion. “Nope” said the negative voice. I thought about texting my super encouraging friend to tell her I was losing it and struggling tonight. “She’s busy,” the voice told me. I thought about getting up and going for a walk or doing a yoga video. “It’s cold” I heard the voice say.

You might have read what I ate and thought, it’s not that bad. And while that might be true, my mindset was that bad. I was so wrapped up in worrying about how fat the banana and peanut butter was going to make me and what I was going to eat next that I wasn’t even enjoying it. I tell myself, bread and peanut butter are “bad foods” so I’m a “bad” person when I eat them. All of the shame, the feelings of worthlessness, and the circuitous toxic thoughts came back up:

… You’re such a failure

… There you go with the peanut butter… again

… This is a bad day. You’re going to look and feel gross tomorrow.

… You’re worthless. Plus your husband is mad at you. He’s probably thinking about leaving you.

Do you see how quickly that escalated? When I write it out, it seems absurd. It sounds hateful and hurtful and SO irrational. But I’m just being honest. If I dig a littler deeper, I realize I was feeling unsettled about the disagreement with my husband (as I usually do because I’m a people pleaser and always want everything to be perfect). But instead of stopping, recognizing, and processing those feelings, I turned to food to numb myself. I turned to thinking about food so I didn’t have to think about feelings. THIS is the cycle that has got to stop.

But having a setback like this is also a growth opportunity on my journey. I have to tell myself: setbacks are normal, setbacks happen, setbacks remind us we are changing. I have an opportunity to learn from this setback, to reflect on what I could have done differently this week to start some upwards spirals instead of giving in to my downward spirals.

Next time, I can choose to:

… Laugh. Watch five minutes of a funny YouTube video to lighten my mood and start “spiralling up.”

… Reach out. Text an encouraging friend and let others know I am struggling.

… Listen to something positive. Lay down, rest, and play a podcast episode from Trish Blackwell.

… Put the disagreement to the side and reconnect with what I know to be true. Instead of bashing my self-worth and rushing to an irrational worst case scenario, I can remind myself that just because someone disagrees with me, I am not a bad person, I am not an unworthy person, I am not an unlovable person. The truth is that I am loved, I am worthy, I am good. A disagreement with someone, even my husband, doesn’t change those truths.

Your Journey

What do you do on difficult days to get out of your funk? Journal about it or comment below!