How Bad Is It?

Let’s get right to it. How bad really are the thoughts I tell myself?

In January I decided I really wanted needed to understand how bad my self-talk was. I knew I needed to write down the thoughts as they were coming, so for me, making a simple google form and adding it to the home screen of my phone was the best way to do this. I created two forms: One, called negative self talk, and another called self-loving statements. I opened the survey each time I had a negative or positive thought about myself.

One goal of Journey With Me is honesty, so here we go. Here are 10 unedited negative statements I said to myself in first 10 days of tracking this data:

1. You're such a gross person. You're such a failure.
2. You ate two slices of pizza last night. You better get to the gym this morning. Or you'll get fat.
3. (Touching my tummy in the morning… a favorite self-loathing practice). You're still fat. Might as well give up trying. You're always going to have a tummy like this.
4. You're never going to lose weight or like the way you look and feel.
5. There you go again. Losing control with the popcorn. Never going to change.
6. I can't believe how much you sabotage yourself. You're so weak. You're always going to be fat.
7. I can't feel good about myself today, remember what you ate yesterday?
8. Whoa. Do you see your reflection? Look at that tummy! That's SO gross. This body kindness stuff is going to make you sooo fat. It's starting already. Ugggg. You look so gross.
9. I'm so tired today. I just want to go home. I don't want to work. I want to do everything else. Gym. Shopping. Cooking. Vacation planning.
10. You lose all control when you're on vacation and drinking. No self-control. You made such a bad lunch decision today.

I feel naked. I feel like you can see it all now. But can you relate?

When I first started writing these statements down it was SO hard to get the words out. They were like a jumbled mess of toxic mumbles that had no real words. But pushing and focusing and really trying to put words to that toxic stew was so beneficial. Having all of these thoughts swarming in my head with nowhere to go was not helping at all, but giving them actual words and getting them on a google form at least got them out of my head and brought me awareness.

Sharing this toxic mess with a trusted friend (and now the internet) was even more freeing. I decided to share my list with my husband when I said these words out loud, I realized just how horrible they really were. Telling them to someone else made me realize I don’t want to treat myself like this anymore. I can’t treat myself like this anymore! And his response reassured me that this self-bashing needs to stop. He was truly saddened to hear how cruel I am to myself. He told me, “I don’t like that you say those things. They aren’t true.” The same goes for you! I don’t like that you say those things to yourself! They are not true! (A message I still need to hear myself!)

But this is a journey of moving forward. So each time I wrote a negative statement about myself, I challenged myself to also write a self-loving statement of truth. (Even if I didn’t fully believe it about myself… yet).

My top 10 self-loving statements in the first 10 days of this experiment were:

1. I am strong! I didn't give up in that Cross fit workout!
2. You are not even fat! 
3. I may not like my tummy today, but that's such a small part of who I am. I am a good friend. I am a dedicated worker. I am loved by God perfectly today! He loves my tummy! He created me. If he loves me, I can learn and work on loving me!
4. I am worthy. I am loved. I choose to show myself grace and love when I eat more than I want rather than continuing my shame.
5. Satan, get out! Get out of my mind. You are not welcome here. I believe I can change my thoughts about myself. I am worthy of changing my thoughts about myself.
6. I choose to be kind to myself in this transition. It's not easy. Change never is. But I can't keep living this way. I can't keep shaming myself like this. I don't deserve it! No one does.
7. I'm really proud of myself for getting back on track today. I'm proud of treating my body well and putting my needs first.
8. I am doing my best, and I choose to allow that to be enough. I choose to accept imperfection.
9. I will keep pushing forward. I will not stop because of fear or comfort.
10. I believe I can eat popcorn and not feel shame and guilt.

Putting words to my negative mental mumbles was eye opening and helpful. But replacing them with self-love is essential. So this is me. This is my starting point. I have a long way to go on this journey, but I’m proud of myself for starting.

Your Journey

Why don’t you give it a try? Make a google survey or carry a journal with you for a few days. Give words to your toxic brain stew and challenge yourself to also combat the junk with self-loving affirmations or God’s Word. Share a negative self-talk comment you frequently say to yourself as well as a positive self-loving statement in the comments.