I hope you’ve been enjoying my blog and have gotten to understand a bit about me, my journey, how I talk to myself, and how I want to talk to myself. If you also feel crazy around food or feel you are too critical of how you look at yourself in the mirror, I hope you realize you are not alone.
I can sit here and write about all of the intuitive eating practices I’m learning and foods I’m letting myself eat and statements I tell myself each morning, but all of that is missing the bigger picture. It’s not about the food. At the core, this journey is about healing what’s broken inside and digging into why I turn to food for comfort and numbing. Why I obsess about my body and work on healing my relationship with myself. Why I continue to fall into the binge-restrict cycle and how I can break free from it.
I got to this place of body bashing and feeling crazy around food because of feelings I left undealt with and unexpressed. Because of numbing and stuffing and masking my feelings. And until I deal with the feelings, until I dig deep, I’m going to keep bashing my body, I’m going to keep bingeing, I’m going to keep making restrictive food lists, I’m going to keep fearing weight gain. It’s just like my mom has frequently told me, “It’s not what you’re eating, it’s what’s eating you.”
I’ve done a lot of journaling and gone to quite a bit of therapy and I’ve continued to come back to my parents divorce, which happened very shortly after I turned 18 and had just moved away for college, as the fork in my road. I chose the path of busyness to mask emotions. I chose the path of food to numb feelings. I chose the path of comparing my body to others and bashing my own to avoid grieving. I chose the path of trying my first diet to find happiness. I chose the path of control and perfection to find acceptance.
There is a lot in this. There is a lot of mud. Mud I’m not ready to share on the internet because it’s not just my story, it’s the story of my family. But I want to share just enough for anyone else who is reading this and is struggling with feeling crazy around food or body bashing as encouragement to dig through your mess and discover what’s eating you.
Break out a journal (or a google doc) and get in there. Ask yourself questions, a lot of questions. Questions like…
What moment or season triggered me to begin feeling crazy around food?
When did I start bashing my body? What was happening in my life?
What feelings might have I left unfelt or undealt with?
Why do I restrict my eating?
Why do I fear gaining weight? What’s behind that? If I gain weight it means I ______?
When I dig deep I uncover the following thought pattern: If I gain weight I’m unworthy of love and won’t be accepted or acceptable by others. Worth and acceptance. That’s what it’s about for me. So I’m working on it. I’m working on feeling that I am worthy of love and happiness and confidence just as I am today. I’m working on truly trying to grasp God’s unconditional love for me. I’m working on understanding that I don’t have to earn love or acceptance by proving my worth to others. I’m working on realizing a number on a scale doesn’t make me more or less worthy of love. I’m working on growing my confidence. It’s a journey. And it’s hard. And it’s not always forward. But I’m filled with hope that if I continue to dig through the feelings I’ve tried to suppress and that if I decide to express and feel feelings as they come from here on out, I will find peace with food and my body.
Your Journey
Get out a journal and just write for 5 minutes. Only 5 minutes. Your struggles aren’t really about the food. So what is it really about? Why do you restrict your eating? What do you fear will happen if you let go of the restrictions? Why do you have those fears? Where did they come from? When did they originate? Journal about it and comment below if you’re open to sharing.
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