[Self] Love

Have you heard the Bible verse that begins, “Love is patient, love is kind...”? Chances are you have even if you’re not a Christian. They are commonly read at weddings and thrown around on pinterest, but I recently heard these familiar verses with a fresh perspective. What if we thought about these words and applied them not just to loving others, but to loving ourselves? How can we read these words and use them to help us define self-love?

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Self-love is something I realize I do very poorly. It’s something I am working on everyday of my journey and I find it really helpful to think about defining self-love with the verbs used in God’s Word.

Self-love is patient.

I get easily frustrated that I’m still not “fixed” or free from feeling crazy around food and bashing my body. I need to remind myself in those un-loving moments, that this is a journey. That patience and self-love is a practice, not a destination.

Self-love is kind.

I can tell myself some pretty hateful things. Saying those things is not being kind to myself. Saying those hurtful things only brings me down and keeps me trapped. Instead, I must continue to replace the negative, unkind thoughts with kind ones.

Self-love is not jealous

Compare much? Guilty!

… She looks good, she’s really skinny.

… She looks good, she’s lost weight.

… I wish my tummy looked like that.

Those statements aren’t self-loving. They are jealous, envious, and an unhealthy comparison. Self-love is about having an attitude of gratitude. Self-love is being thankful that my body got me through another day of work with no aches or pains. Self-love is being thankful my muscles heal after an injury. Self-love is not obsessing about my tummy and bashing myself because my abs don’t look like the women in the Victoria Secret ads.

Self-love does not demand its own way.

I cannot think of anything more demanding of it’s own way than a diet. Demanding you eat this, don’t eat that, never eat this again, eat this now, etc. My journey has led me to practicing intuitive and mindful eating which is quite the opposite of society’s obsession with diet culture. Intuitive eating encourages me to listen to my body and respect whatever it needs in that moment. Definitely more of a practice of self-love!

Self-love keeps no record of being wronged and never looks back.

This one is really hard for me. I often find myself saying,

… when I was skinnier …

… when I could fit into that dress …

… when my arms looked like that….

These comments are not loving. These comments make it difficult to move forward when I continue to look back at my past with comparison and judgement. It’s not just looking back at years ago, I also commonly look back at yesterday and think,

… I ate so badly yesterday, I have to go to the gym today.

… I was so bad yesterday I can’t eat any sugar today.

… Yesterday was so awful I can’t have any carbs today.

This thought pattern is definitely me keeping a record of wrongs and is clearly not self-loving. The self-loving thing to do is to be present. The self-loving thing to do is to make the best choices for myself for that day.

Self-love never gives up, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Somedays I struggle to be hopeful I will ever find freedom in my disordered relationship with food and body bashing, but other days I feel filled with it. This is a great reminder that self-love is always hopeful. I’ve encountered so many ups and downs on this journey already, and self-love must endure it all. I must continue loving myself and practicing self-love even on the tough days.

I hope you see the connection between God’s definition of love and how we can use it to learn to love ourselves better.

Beef Stroganoff

The book I’m reading, Body Kindness by Rebecca Scritchfield, asks readers to make a list of foods they’ve restricted themselves from eating during their years of dieting. Once the list is made, she encourages readers to try eating those foods again. Without shame, without guilt, just let yourself eat. Easier said than done. For me, one of those foods is beef stroganoff. I have such great memories of my mom cooking this for me as a kid and while living at home for grad school, but it was quickly added to my “bad food” list because of the butter, sour cream, and pasta it calls for. In the past I’ve tried “lightening” it up, but it just didn’t taste right. It didn’t bring back the same memories.

So tonight I made beef stroganoff using my mom’s exact recipe. All the butter. All the sour cream. Over pasta. And it was delicious! Biting into it brought back great memories of eating with my mom. And while it’s not something I want to eat every day (because it doesn’t make me feel super energized and nourished), it is a great comfort food that I shouldn’t shame myself for making every once and awhile.

So yet again, let's cue the Italian Cooking Music channel on Pandora and get started with some butter. Oh yea!

Cut the onions like so.

And the mushrooms like so.

Add them into that beautiful butter.

Cover and simmer, stirring occasionally, until onions are tender (5-10 minutes).  Remove vegetables and any liquid from the skillet.  Set aside and move onto the beef. I bought this grass fed top sirloin from our local farmer’s market sold by Moon Meadow.

Cut beef across the grain into strips, 1-1/2 x ½ inch. To make it easier to cut beef thinly, my mom suggests partially freezing the meat for about 1 ½ hours. I didn’t take my mom’s advice and these were a little too thick in my opinion. I’ll try it next time mom!

Same pan, new butter.

Add the bouillon and the water in with the butter and mix. Add beef along with some salt and pepper.  Heat to boiling, reduce heat, then cover and simmer until beef is desired doneness (10-15 minutes).

When the beef is done, add the onions and mushrooms into the same pan with the beef.

Don’t forget to cook your pasta! My mom always used egg noodles, but we had some whole wheat penne that needed to be used.

Stir in sour cream and mustard with the beef and onion.  Heat just until hot. My mom advises, “best NOT to boil sour cream mixture.” So I listened to her.

Give it a stir and voila! Beef stroganoff!

I served it over the pasta and it was delish!

Sauteed some snap peas to get some veggies in the mix.

It was so fun to cook one of my mom’s recipes and be flooded with awesome and yummy memories. I’m glad this food is no longer “forbidden” to me.

Ingredients

1  Pound (+) boneless grass fed beef sirloin or top loin steak, sliced ½” thick

2  Tablespoons butter

8 ounces mushrooms, sliced (free free to go heavy)

1 yellow onion, sliced

1 clove garlic, minced or finely chopped

½ cup water

1 teaspoon instant beef bouillon (“Better than Bouillon” – in a jar)

1 cup sour cream

½ teaspoon prepared mustard

salt and pepper

Pasta of your choice (my mom always used egg noodles. I used whole wheat pasta this time)

Directions

Heat 1 tablespoon of butter in 10-inch skillet until melted.  Add mushrooms, onions and garlic.  Cover and simmer, stirring occasionally, until onions are tender (5-10 minutes).  Remove vegetables and any liquid from the skillet.  Set aside.

Cut beef across the grain into strips, 1-1/2 x ½ inch. To make it easier to cut beef thinly, my mom suggests partially freezing the meat for about 1 ½ hours. Cook and stir 1 tablespoon of butter over medium heat until brown, about 10 minutes.  Add water, bouillon, beef, salt and pepper.  Heat to boiling; reduce heat.  Cover and simmer until beef is desired doneness (10-15 minutes).

Cook your desired pasta of choice. Add the vegetable mixture to the beef.  Heat to boiling; reduce heat.  Stir in sour cream and mustard.  Heat just until hot (best NOT to boil sour cream mixture). Serve with noodles.   

Meat

After watching Food Inc and reading Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan I’m more picky about the meat I eat. Whenever possible (aka when I’m buying the meat myself) I try to find meat from animals that haven’t been treated with antibiotics and for beef, I really try to only buy grass fed beef. Our local farmers market carries beef from Moon Meadow and it is SO good!

Intuitive Eating Reflection 2

I’m a bit behind on updating my blog with my journey to find freedom from feeling crazy around food and body bashing. I wrote this reflection in March and while I’m already currently at a different place with Intuitive Eating (as it’s already May), I want to include this as an important piece of my journey.

There is something helpful and encouraging about learning from someone who has walked in your shoes. I found Jenna Free from You Ain’t Your Weight on Instagram and she has faced the struggle I face, maybe the struggle that you face as well. She has conquered this battle by learning to eat intuitively and by practicing self-love and now she counsels and coaches women to find that freedom themselves. When I saw she was hosting a free 5 day Intuitive Eating Challenge, I decided to enroll. Each day she released a short video on a closed Facebook group about Intuitive Eating. It was so helpful for me to hear these principles from someone who has actually been through this struggle and has beat it. Doing this challenge has helped me truly learn what intuitive eating is - instead of just guessing - and has given me practical, been there done that advice. So here is an update on my Intuitive Eating journey… 

No longer angry when I’m full

I overeat because I find joy in food. Probably too much joy. It feels good, tastes good, so why stop? But Intuitive Eating means listening to your body and honoring your hunger and fullness cues. When I first started practicing intuitive eating I would get sad and kind of angry when I felt full so quickly into a meal. Like I didn't want something so good to be over. But now, when I feel full quicker than I expected, I'm okay. I’m fueled by how free I feel when I actually do listen to my hunger and fullness cues and that has been helping me put the fork down without anger. After all, food is just food. It shouldn't be my source of joy.

No longer angry when I’m hungry

I used to get angry, disappointed, and frustrated with myself when I got hungry. Like I was hoping to find a magical combination of food that would sustain me for hours on end until it was “time” to eat another meal. When you’re eating intuitively, if you’re hungry, you eat. You don’t need to starve yourself or spend the afternoon preoccupied thinking about food until 12:00 when you should eat lunch. I used to get frustrated when I felt hungry at 11. I got angry with myself if I was hungry 20 minutes after eating a snack. But that frustration and anger is going away now. I’m no longer punishing myself for being hungry, but instead honoring my body and what it’s asking for.

Positive statements are coming to mind more quickly

I do have moments where I think…

This intuitive eating thing is just going to make me fat

I think I’m gaining weight by eating like this

OMG my pants feel tighter today, this is awful

But very quickly I’ve been telling myself,

“I believe these changes will result in the abundant life God desires for me.”

I find so much power in that statement. Feeling crazy around food and letting diet culture and restrictive food lists rule my mind is NOT the abundant life God planned or wants for me. I might gain a few pounds on this journey, but I am feeling more and more confident everyday that those pounds are worth the mental freedom I am working towards. This is still the hardest part of the journey for me, but I feel I’m making big strides forward.