As I’ve talked about in many recent blog and Instagram posts, I’ve made big strides forward in my fear of food and disordered eating habits! I no longer fear dessert or carbs or feel like a “bad person” when I eat ice cream or pasta. Don’t get me wrong, this is REALLY exciting, but it’s also come with quite a bit of weight gain. I’ve been struggling to accept myself, but I’ve also realized I am struggling to believe my husband sees me as beautiful or desirable at this new weight. I now deeply understand my fear of weight gain because it’s come true and because of that I'm also able to see that my fear of weight gain is inextricably tied to my identity as a wife. Let me just say my husband has never called me anything but beautiful and reassured me time after time (after time!) that he loves me and is never leaving me. That’s he’s happy and satisfied in our marriage, but it’s like I just can’t really believe it myself. I know this fear is an aftershock of my parents divorce from over a decade ago. I know there is junk I need to dig through. So a few weeks ago I decided to go back to Therapy and it’s been amazing! We’ve been able to dive right in and really get to some important stuff.
The biggest realization I’ve had is around engaging my inner critic… that voice I talked about early on in my post, How Bad Is It? We’ve explored who this inner critic might be, what it wants, why it’s talking to me. It sounds weird, I know, but well… it’s helping. Sharing what we’ve discovered about my inner critic feels too personal for the internet, but we’ve also discovered an inner rebel that has a lot to do with my binging habits.
I have felt emotionally exhausted since the start of the school year. New school, horrible bell schedule, large class sizes, struggles with classroom management, and frustrating run ins with admin have left me feeling like my time is not my own. The schedule tells me when I can and cannot pee, eat, sit, relax, or go outside. Each day is filled with so much unchangeable structure. So when I get home, I want to rebel. And what’s my rebellion of choice? Food.
Eat the ice cream.
I’m not stuffed. There is room.
Cookie butter sounds good.
Yeah, eat the cookie butter.
But you know you’ll feel sick if you eat it.
Just eat it anyway.
You deserve it.
Yeah, I do.
I’m getting the cookie butter.
When this came out in a recent therapy session, I realized how much sense it makes that I have this inner rebel. But it’s not just a new school year that has brought out this inner rebel. The inner rebel has been around for a while, I just haven’t been able to identify it. Now that I know I have this inner rebel that needs - and deserves - to come out, I can let it. Without food. Now I see the importance of prioritizing unstructured time during each day to do whatever I need or want to do in that moment. Now I’m learning to engage my inner critic and my inner rebel: Why is the critic showing up? What does the critic really want? Instead of rebelling with food, is there something else I can do? What do I need in this moment?
We are still exploring how my inner rebel and inner critic are impacting my mindset around my worth in my marriage, but this is a good start. If you’ve ever considered therapy I hope you feel encouraged to take that next step forward on your journey too!
