I Can: Part 1

Listening to Trish Blackwell’s Podcast #199: Stop Fighting Food with Isabel Foxen Duke really brought awareness and gave a voice to the restrictive rules I realize I’ve put on myself around food. I say, things like, “I shouldn’t eat that” a lot, like A LOT. About a year ago I realized I was actually scared of a cookie. I legitimately felt fear when I thought of being around a cookie. Not normal. This podcast episode helped me understand that the more I restrict my diet and make a “bad food” list, the harder I’ll binge, the more shame I’ll add on when I do eat that food, and the more I’ll be obsessing about that food instead of enjoying life!

Here are some of my “bad” foods. My “I can’t” foods. They give me anxiety just thinking about eating them. And it’s no surprise they are also the foods I most associate with my binge eating:

1. Peanut Butter
2. Cookies (and cookie dough!)
3. Cheesecake
4. Chips
5. Cheese and crackers
6. Chocolates (Lindt anyone?!)
7. Peanut butter pretzels
8. Trail mix
9. Fresh bread (with butter!)
10. French toast
11. Pancakes
12. French fries
13. Pasta (especially in a cream sauce)
14. Milkshakes
15. Cinnamon rolls (basically any breakfast pastry)

If you don't struggle with disordered eating, this list might not seem "that bad" to you, but if my struggle is also your struggle, I have a feeling you can relate.

I felt like a logical next step was to begin telling myself “I can” towards the foods I’ve labeled as bad or restricted or forbidden.

… I can eat peanut butter.

… I can eat dessert.

… I can eat butter on my bread.

And it’s scary. Why am I scared? I’m terrified I’m going to gain weight if I start saying, “I can.” But I think I’m at a point where I realize it beats the alternative. I’m not really living life if I’m scarred of a cookie or I’m so weighted down by shame that I can’t be present or I’m so preoccupied with thinking, I want it, but I shouldn’t, but I really want it, but I know I shouldn’t, I’ll get fat, I’ll be unloveable, I’ll be unworthy, my husband will leave me. Yeah, that is not living!

If I’m going to allow myself to say “I can” to these foods, I first need to buy them and be around them. So I bought a bag of trail mix to keep at work. And some peanut butter pretzels. This is a BIG step for me, I do NOT keep snacks at work because I don’t trust myself with them. I spend all day preoccupied with the snack food, telling myself “No, no, no! Don’t eat it. Those are bad foods. They make you gain weight. You’ll never have the life you want if you eat those.” And then what happens? I end up totally binging on them. The forbidden fruit must be tasted!! (Zoolander anyone?)

But this is my journey of moving forward. So today I told myself, “I can” eat these delicious peanut butter pretzels. I even told myself, “I can eat this whole bag if I want. It’s okay.”

… I ate a few in the car on my way home, telling myself “I can.”

… I got to work the next day and all day I told myself, “I can eat these whenever I want. And if I want to eat them all, that’s okay.”

And what did I do? I actually didn’t want very many. It was like giving myself permission to eat as many as I wanted without judgement, also gave me freedom. I even woke up the next day and felt good about myself and my body! Who knew I could wake up feeling beautiful after eating peanut butter pretzels at work?

But my journey is not always forward. Read my short follow up, I Can: Part 2 to understand how up and down my journey can be at times.

Your journey

Did this resonate with you? Do you have a “good food" and “bad food” list? What’s on your list? Is there one you can pick today and choose to say, “I can” to? Journal about it or share your comments below!