Engaging the Inner Rebel

As I’ve talked about in many recent blog and Instagram posts, I’ve made big strides forward in my fear of food and disordered eating habits! I no longer fear dessert or carbs or feel like a “bad person” when I eat ice cream or pasta. Don’t get me wrong, this is REALLY exciting, but it’s also come with quite a bit of weight gain. I’ve been struggling to accept myself, but I’ve also realized I am struggling to believe my husband sees me as beautiful or desirable at this new weight. I now deeply understand my fear of weight gain because it’s come true and because of that I'm also able to see that my fear of weight gain is inextricably tied to my identity as a wife. Let me just say my husband has never called me anything but beautiful and reassured me time after time (after time!) that he loves me and is never leaving me. That’s he’s happy and satisfied in our marriage, but it’s like I just can’t really believe it myself. I know this fear is an aftershock of my parents divorce from over a decade ago. I know there is junk I need to dig through. So a few weeks ago I decided to go back to Therapy and it’s been amazing! We’ve been able to dive right in and really get to some important stuff.

The biggest realization I’ve had is around engaging my inner critic… that voice I talked about early on in my post, How Bad Is It? We’ve explored who this inner critic might be, what it wants, why it’s talking to me. It sounds weird, I know, but well… it’s helping. Sharing what we’ve discovered about my inner critic feels too personal for the internet, but we’ve also discovered an inner rebel that has a lot to do with my binging habits.

I have felt emotionally exhausted since the start of the school year. New school, horrible bell schedule, large class sizes, struggles with classroom management, and frustrating run ins with admin have left me feeling like my time is not my own. The schedule tells me when I can and cannot pee, eat, sit, relax, or go outside. Each day is filled with so much unchangeable structure. So when I get home, I want to rebel. And what’s my rebellion of choice? Food.

Eat the ice cream.

I’m not stuffed. There is room.

Cookie butter sounds good.

Yeah, eat the cookie butter.

But you know you’ll feel sick if you eat it.

Just eat it anyway.

You deserve it.

Yeah, I do.

I’m getting the cookie butter.

When this came out in a recent therapy session, I realized how much sense it makes that I have this inner rebel. But it’s not just a new school year that has brought out this inner rebel. The inner rebel has been around for a while, I just haven’t been able to identify it. Now that I know I have this inner rebel that needs - and deserves - to come out, I can let it. Without food. Now I see the importance of prioritizing unstructured time during each day to do whatever I need or want to do in that moment. Now I’m learning to engage my inner critic and my inner rebel: Why is the critic showing up? What does the critic really want? Instead of rebelling with food, is there something else I can do? What do I need in this moment?

We are still exploring how my inner rebel and inner critic are impacting my mindset around my worth in my marriage, but this is a good start. If you’ve ever considered therapy I hope you feel encouraged to take that next step forward on your journey too!

Apple Pie

My mom is a pie whisperer! Her pies are amazing and are always in high demand at any gathering. I’ve avoided making her pies mainly because I’ve deemed pie as a “bad food” for so long. All the sugar, the flour, the shorting… bad foods. But I’m continuing to break free from the restrictive food lists and today that meant giving my mom’s pie recipe a try!

I have SUCH great memories of watching my mom make pies and of course eating them! One of my favorite things to eat when I was little was her pie dough. When I was in elementary school I actually learned how to make the pie dough just so I could eat it (without actually learning how to make the whole pie). I knew I wanted to learn how to make her pie when my husband had his first slice of my mom’s apple pie and literally picked up the plate and licked it clean.

So here we go! Check out my journey as I (try to) follow my mom’s amazing directions to bake my first pie! Let me give credit where credit is due and start by saying you can download my mom’s FULL recipe and intricate directions here.

First, assemble the filling!

Wash and peel the apples.

Then core and slice them. I cut each apple in half, then quarters, then cored them, then cut each quarter into 3 slices.

Next, mix the sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, and tapioca together. Keep separate from the apples.

Put all of this to the side and get busy with the pie dough! (Cue childhood memories!). Start by mixing the flour and salt together.

Add in the shortening and cut it with a knife, not mashing or mixing. Mom tip: do not over-cut – you should see “chunks” of shortening/butter – that is great- about size of a penny or

dime.

Add the water one tablespoon at a time with a fork. Mom tip: Add water until all flour is moistened and dough almost cleans the side of the bowl. I needed to add 6 tablespoons of water to reach the right consistency.

Gather dough into a ball and split it into two even sized balls (one for bottom crust and one for top). Flatten one ball on a lightly floured cutting board. Here is where my mom’s genius really shines (or maybe it’s well known, but I have never seen it)… cover the ball with SARAN WRAP then roll!

Genius!

Straight from mama: Flip over, dust with a little flour, and put another sheet of saran wrap on top of the exposed dough. Roll so that dough is thin between the two sheets of saran wrap and at least 2” beyond the size of the pie pan you are using. Yeah, I didn’t read that end part too closely and didn’t roll the dough big enough. But it was ok for a first timer!

The saran wrap makes it SO easy to transfer to your 9” pie pan! As you can see, I didn’t quite roll the dough enough, but I decided just to stick with it and see what happens (stay tuned…).

Time to build your pie!! Start by sprinkling some of the sugar mixture on the bottom of the crust.

Now start layering the apples in! I always saw my mom do it this way, so I followed her example.

Now sprinkle with sugar mixture. Go heavy! I didn’t realize how much sugar was actually added to this and I ended up with a lot of extra at the end, so please learn from my mistake and go heavy with the sugar layers. You just keep repeating this process of sugar, apples, sugar until you reach your desired apple height!

This is when I ran out of apples and felt pretty good about it! I texted this picture to my mom in the process and she immediately knew it was going to bubble over in the oven since my bottom dough didn’t overhang the pie pan… smart mama!

Repeat the saran wrap dough process for the top of the pie and lay it on top. Pinch the edges together and voila!

My mom always added a little design (which also helps vent the pie) so I followed her lead.

Pop that pie in a 410 degree oven for 45-60 minutes.

Mom tip: Slip a sharp knife into the center and it should easily enter the apple slice (if it feels hard, it’s likely not fully baked). If the crust is getting darker than you might want, turn the temp down. My mom was TOTALLY right and at about 45 minutes the pie was bubbling over from the sides (where the dough from top and bottom didn’t quite meet) to make a sticky mess in our oven (oops!).

Let it cool and serve with vanilla ice cream or whipped cream. A lovely couple we met recently invited us over for dinner and we brought this for dessert! It was a hit!

It was so fun to try this recipe and so rewarding when your guinea pigs have rave reviews! What a confidence booster!

I felt proud of myself for attempting a more difficult recipe than usual. I felt proud of myself for making dessert and not trying make it the “healthy” version. I felt happy to make one of my mom’s cherished recipes and think back on the memories I have around my mom’s apple pie. Hope you enjoyed my culinary journey today!

Ingredients

Apple Pie Filling

4 cups granny smith apples; peeled, cored, and sliced

¾ cup sugar

1 tsp cinnamon

2 shakes nutmeg (great measurement mom!)

3 tbsp instant tapioca

Crust

2 cups white flour

1 tsp salt

⅔ cup + 1tbsp shortening

4 tbsp cold water

Directions

Make the apple pie filling. Wash, peel, core, and slice the apples. Set aside. Mix together sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, and tapioca. Set aside.

To make the dough mix together flour and salt. Add shortening and cut it with a knife (do not mash, mix, or use a pastry cutter) into the flour mix. Add water one tablespoon at a time and gently mix with a fork until dough is formed and is just slightly sticky.

Cut dough into two even halves. Take one half and roll it into a ball. Flatten it on a lightly floured cutting board. Cover the ball with saran wrap then roll. Flip dough over (leaving saran wrap on), lightly flour the exposed side, cover with saran wrap, roll again until dough will overhang your pie pan by 2” all around. Transfer dough to bottom of pie pan.

Sprinkle the sugar mixture on the bottom of the crust. Layer with a row of apples. Sprinkle (heavily) another layer of sugar mixture. Repeat the layering process until you reached desired height with the apples, building in as you go.

Take the other half of the dough and roll it out as you did before. Place the rolled dough on top of the pie and pinch together the top and bottom dough pieces. Cut a few vents (or design) into the top of the pie.

Bake at 410 degrees for 40-60 minutes until crust is lightly brown and you can slip a sharp knife into the apple slices easily. Let cool slightly. Serve warm with vanilla ice cream or whipped cream.

New Clothes

As I’ve mentioned in Intuitive Eating reflection #3 and #4, I’ve gained weight and I’m struggling with it. I have now gained enough weight that some most of the items in my closet do not fit comfortably. This is hard. It’s hard to even write down and it’s especially hard to post on the internet, but when I started this blog, I promised myself I would be honest. So honest I am being.

I know I need to get rid of the clothes that don’t fit. They are triggers and a constant lure to get back into the diet mentality. When I put on clothes that are too tight I think:

… Oh my gosh I can’t believe this shirt is tight! It used to be so loose! I’ve gained so much weight on this journey.

… These shorts look awful now! Oh my gosh I’m so fat now.

And I start to doubt myself and this journey by saying things like:

… Is intuitive eating really worth it?

… Should I just start another diet?

… When will the weight gain stop?

I know the right thing to do is to get rid of the clothes that are triggers. But it’s so hard!

… What if I can fit into this again some day? I really like it.

… What if I start losing weight with intuitive eating? I hope I start losing weight with intuitive eating.

… I’ll just put it back for now and deal with it later.

Deal with it later?! I’m only prolonging the inevitable and leaving a trigger for this whole cycle to start over and over again.

Buying new clothes when you’ve gained weight is not just buying new clothes. Buying new clothes makes me confront the fact that I’ve gained weight. Buying new clothes makes me come face to face with my choice to let go of the diet mentality. And it’s hard! Not to mention it comes with actual price tag.

So in the next few weeks I’ll be shopping a bit more. I’ll be confronting the fact that my sizes will be higher than I’m used to. And I know it’s going to be difficult. But the alternative is keeping my triggers in the closet and shooting myself with shame and disappointment and frustration daily as I get dressed.

Intuitive Eating Reflection #4

Thanks for following along on this journey with me! Here is my latest reflection on Intuitive Eating…

Biggest Challenge: Accepting Weight Gain

As I mentioned in my earlier post, Intuitive Eating Reflection #3, I’ve made a lot of forward progress with food neutrality and have been allowing myself to eat the foods I’ve deemed “forbidden” and “bad” without shame and restriction, but I’ve been struggling with overeating (no doubt due to years of the restrict-binge cycle I put myself through). So I’ve gained weight. And I’m struggling with it. I’m struggling to say loving things to myself when clothes won’t fit. I’m struggling to believe this weight gain is worth it. I’m struggling to be kind to myself when I dislike my reflection even more than before. I’m struggling to believe my husband means it when he says, “you’re beautiful.”  But I also know deep down that this part of the journey (although painful) is all part of the process and something I need to allow myself to do in order to fully embrace intuitive eating and find freedom from disordered eating. I even had a conversation with my husband last week about my weight gain so I could just call it out and clear the air. I was feeling like it was the elephant in the room and I wanted to explain that I’m not “letting myself go” and it’s not that I’m not caring about my body, rather I feel like I have to embrace this in order to care for my body (and mind) even better. This was an incredibly challenging conversation to have because I’ve realized so much of my fear of weight gain is because I fear my husband will leave me or be displeased with me if I gain weight. If your fears are like my fears, I really encourage you to have those difficult conversations too.

Biggest Success: Desire To Treat My Body Well

I’ve gained weight and I feel bad. Like my body feels bad. I’m tired. I’m slow. My joints hurt. I just don’t feel good. And I think this is (and hope this is) the beginning of the next stage of intuitive eating for me. Realizing I don’t like how my body feels when I overeat and eat less nutrient rich foods. I’m beginning to realize that I want to eat well because of how it makes me feel and the life I feel I’m able to live when I fuel my body with what it needs to thrive. I’m moving away from desiring weight loss to determine my worth and acceptance and moving towards desiring health for the ability it gives me to engage in life the way God desires me to engage in life. It’s a mindset away from forbidden food lists because of fear of weight gain and toward wanting to make food choices that treat my body well.

Here are some key mindset shifts I’ve noticed:

Before: If you eat those fries you’re going to gain weight. If you gain weight you’ll be unloveable.

Current: I can totally eat the fries. Eating fries says nothing about my worth. Will eating the fries make my body feel good? Is it treating myself with kindness in this moment?

Before: You’re so fat it’s gross.

Current: I may not love how my body looks, but it’s the only body I’ve got to live this life in and it’s doing a pretty darn good job so far.

Before: Peanut butter is a bad food. It has so much fat. I can’t believe you ate so much peanut butter! You have no self-control. You should never eat peanut butter again. You’re such a failure.

Current: Do I want peanut butter? I can totally have peanut butter if I want it. There are no “good foods” and “bad foods.” This choice does not determine my worth at all.

I am beginning to see how all of these body acceptance strategies and food choices are coming together and it’s really encouraging. To anyone struggling with this journey, be patient and keep pushing forward!

Intuitive Eating Reflection #3

To help guide my journey with Intuitive Eating and to create a more positive body image I’ve joined an online support group with two phenomenal coaches! Both coaches have been through this struggle and both have come out stronger and more passionate because of it. They are Jenna Free and Lauren McCauley and they coach The Body Love Society. This group has been so full of advice and help for me. Most notably, this group has helped me to realize that I think very black and white, everything is an extreme with me.

… It’s perfect or it’s a failure.

… I’m fat or I’m skinny.

… Food is good or food is bad.

But this group and these coaches have helped me to see that we live in a world with shades of grey and grey is okay. If tomorrow is not better than today, that’s okay. My life isn’t a failure because of one bad day. We have to embrace that sometimes we take missteps. Sometimes we have a bad day. Sometimes we veer off the path we do desperately desire to be on.

And I feel like I’ve taken a few missteps with my intuitive eating journey recently and I’m working on being okay with it. It’s something new for me and it’s okay if it’s hard. I’m being honest that this journey is not linear. Each new day isn’t always better than the last day.

Biggest Struggle: Overeating

I’m struggling with overeating at almost every meal. I feel like I’m gaining weight, and I’m struggling with that as well. But I know in order to make peace with my body and in order to truly embrace intuitive eating I have to make peace with weight gain. I know this is true, but to be honest, it makes me feel frustrated. I feel frustrated because I feel like I’m not doing this perfectly. I feel frustrated because I’m gaining weight. I feel frustrated because I’m abusing this new found freedom of eating without a restricted food list by overeating all of the time.

Biggest Success: Food Neutral

Have you heard the term “food neutrality”? I hadn’t before I started this journey. It’s about taking the morality out of our food choices. Diet culture causes us to deem some foods as “bad” so when we eat them we feel shame and failure. Diet culture deems other foods “good,” making you feel strong willed and “like a good person” when you eat them. But really, food is food. What we eat doesn’t make us a bad person or a good person; our mindset, our approach to life, our actions do that. Choosing kale over fries doesn’t make us “good” and choosing pizza over zoodles doesn’t make us “bad.” Don’t get me wrong, some food is absolutely more nutrient rich than other food, but eating more nutrient dense foods doesn’t make me a good person and eating nutrient deficient foods doesn’t make me a bad person. I no longer have a list of good foods and bad foods. I have really come a long way in feeling neutral about food and I feel totally empowered about this forward movement on my journey!

It’s not always forward. But I’m choosing to keep walking on this journey. I believe there is freedom. Fake it till you make it. I’m not willing to quit.