It's Not About The Food

I hope you’ve been enjoying my blog and have gotten to understand a bit about me, my journey, how I talk to myself, and how I want to talk to myself. If you also feel crazy around food or feel you are too critical of how you look at yourself in the mirror, I hope you realize you are not alone.

I can sit here and write about all of the intuitive eating practices I’m learning and foods I’m letting myself eat and statements I tell myself each morning, but all of that is missing the bigger picture. It’s not about the food. At the core, this journey is about healing what’s broken inside and digging into why I turn to food for comfort and numbing. Why I obsess about my body and work on healing my relationship with myself. Why I continue to fall into the binge-restrict cycle and how I can break free from it.

I got to this place of body bashing and feeling crazy around food because of feelings I left undealt with and unexpressed. Because of numbing and stuffing and masking my feelings. And until I deal with the feelings, until I dig deep, I’m going to keep bashing my body, I’m going to keep bingeing, I’m going to keep making restrictive food lists, I’m going to keep fearing weight gain. It’s just like my mom has frequently told me, “It’s not what you’re eating, it’s what’s eating you.”

I’ve done a lot of journaling and gone to quite a bit of therapy and I’ve continued to come back to my parents divorce, which happened very shortly after I turned 18 and had just moved away for college, as the fork in my road. I chose the path of busyness to mask emotions. I chose the path of food to numb feelings. I chose the path of comparing my body to others and bashing my own to avoid grieving. I chose the path of trying my first diet to find happiness. I chose the path of control and perfection to find acceptance.

There is a lot in this. There is a lot of mud. Mud I’m not ready to share on the internet because it’s not just my story, it’s the story of my family. But I want to share just enough for anyone else who is reading this and is struggling with feeling crazy around food or body bashing as encouragement to dig through your mess and discover what’s eating you.

Break out a journal (or a google doc) and get in there. Ask yourself questions, a lot of questions. Questions like…

What moment or season triggered me to begin feeling crazy around food?

When did I start bashing my body? What was happening in my life?

What feelings might have I left unfelt or undealt with?

Why do I restrict my eating?

Why do I fear gaining weight? What’s behind that? If I gain weight it means I ______?

When I dig deep I uncover the following thought pattern: If I gain weight I’m unworthy of love and won’t be accepted or acceptable by others. Worth and acceptance. That’s what it’s about for me. So I’m working on it. I’m working on feeling that I am worthy of love and happiness and confidence just as I am today. I’m working on truly trying to grasp God’s unconditional love for me. I’m working on understanding that I don’t have to earn love or acceptance by proving my worth to others. I’m working on realizing a number on a scale doesn’t make me more or less worthy of love. I’m working on growing my confidence. It’s a journey. And it’s hard. And it’s not always forward. But I’m filled with hope that if I continue to dig through the feelings I’ve tried to suppress and that if I decide to express and feel feelings as they come from here on out, I will find peace with food and my body.

Your Journey

Get out a journal and just write for 5 minutes. Only 5 minutes. Your struggles aren’t really about the food. So what is it really about? Why do you restrict your eating? What do you fear will happen if you let go of the restrictions? Why do you have those fears? Where did they come from? When did they originate? Journal about it and comment below if you’re open to sharing.

Homemade Pizza

Homemade pizza (YES, including the dough) is super simple and tastes SO much better than anything you can buy! Plus I love that I know exactly what’s in it. I had been using a whole wheat pizza dough recipe from The Daniel Plan Cookbook that was delish, but decided to switch it up recently when my best friend, who is a Registered Dietitian, used a pizza dough recipe that had WHITE FLOUR and was divine. Mind blown. If my bestie, who spent years of schooling to learn about food, is making pizza dough with white flour… I can to! Lesson: white flour or whole wheat flour, neither should be a “bad food.”

A side note about me, pizza, and my gut. At the end of January I had convinced myself (and my doctor) that I was lactose intolerant. To test the hypothesis my doctor encouraged me to completely omit dairy from my diet for 6 weeks. This was also right when I began understanding more about intuitive eating and immersing myself in understanding the idea of diet culture. I had heard a few experts (Registered Dietitians) on various podcasts mention that the food restrictions we place on ourselves and the morality we place on food (I’m a bad person because I ate a bad food) can actually disrupt our gut and digestion and create a misdiagnosis of food intolerances. I began wondering if this is what happened to me. So I tried dairy again and I have been fine. When I eat mindfully and relax my body while I eat dairy foods like cheese and ice cream, I have not been experiencing the discomfort I had been experiencing previously. I literally made my body think it was lactose intolerant, when it was really just the stress I was putting my body through by shaming and guilting and berating myself every time I ate a “bad food” that had dairy. It’s time to move past that. So today I’m making pizza again. And eating it mindfully. Relaxed. Free of shame. Free of guilt. Listening to my body.

My bestie passed along this Bobby Flay Pizza Dough recipe from Food Network. It yields 2 pizzas, so I just halved it. The only adjustment my RD best friend suggested was using half the amount of salt so tonight I used ½ a tsp total in my recipe.

Cue Pandora Italian Cooking music channel!! Voooolare! (Dean Martin anyone?!)

Prepare the pizza dough according to Bobby Flay Pizza Dough.

I used our Kitchen Aid with a dough hook.

Until it looked like this...

Then cover the dough with saran wrap for about an hour (it should double in size).

While the dough rises, prep your toppings. My husband cooked sausage, but I just wanted veggies on my side. I sauteed mushrooms and zucchini tonight because we had them on hand, but peppers would also be delicious! Chop a handful of mushrooms and add to hot pan. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Cook until mushrooms become tender, about 5 minutes. Remove from pan and place in a bowl.

Add zucchini to the hot pan. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Cook for about 3 minutes. Just until zucchini is heated. Remove and place in a paper towel lined bowl. The paper towel will help soak up the extra water that the zucchini releases - otherwise it’ll end up making your pizza soupy.

The dough looks ready to go (but really I’m just eager to get to the finished product)!

Sprinkle a large cutting board with flour. Push out dough until it has the shape you want and thickness you desire.

I don’t know how to toss dough in the air… yet ;)

Sprinkle a small spoonful of corn meal on your pizza stone or cookie sheet to prevent sticking without giving that overly floury taste (my husband’s idea).

Transfer rolled out/shaped pizza dough to pizza stone or cookie sheet. Spray with EVOO, sprinkle garlic powder over the dough. Bake for 10 minutes. This gives the dough a bit of a head start which I've learned is useful when making pizza from scratch.

Remove dough from oven and top with toppings.

We use marinara sauce to get started.

Mozzarella cheese.

Topping time! My side with zucchini and mushrooms, my husband’s with sausage.

Return to oven for 10-15 minutes until cheese just begins to brown and crust is at desired crispness.

Halfway through we realized we had ricotta, so we plopped some on top!

Ta-freakin-da!

SO much better than anything you can buy! I paired the pizza with a spinach salad with homemade balsamic dressing.

Dinner is served! Enjoy!

Ingredients

Bobby Flay Pizza Dough

Mushrooms

Zucchini

Red onion

Other ideas: peppers (we just didn’t have any)

Extra flour (1-2 spoonfulls)

Corn meal (about 1 spoonful)

Marinara

Mozzarella cheese

Ricotta cheese

Directions

Prepare the pizza dough according to Bobby Flay Pizza Dough. While dough is rising, prepare the toppings.

Spray a non-stick skillet with EVOO or Coconut Oil. Chop a handful of mushrooms and add to hot pan. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Cook until mushrooms become tender, about 5 minutes. Remove and place in a bowl. Add zucchini to the hot pan. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Cook for about 3 minutes. Just until zucchini is heated. Remove and place in a paper towel lined bowl.

Heat oven to 425 degrees. When dough is done rising, sprinkle a large cutting board with flour. Push out dough until it has the shape you want and thickness you desire. Sprinkle a small spoonful of corn meal on your pizza stone or cookie sheet to prevent sticking without giving that overly floury taste. Transfer rolled out/shaped pizza dough to pizza stone or cookie sheet. Spray with EVOO, sprinkle garlic powder over the dough. Bake for 10 minutes.

Remove dough from oven and top with toppings.

Return to oven for 10-15 minutes until cheese just begins to brown and crust is at desired crispness.

Slice and enjoy. Without guilt. Without shame

Beautiful Lord

I’ve been struggling a lot with my reflection in the mirror lately. I look in the mirror and jump to my flaws. I look in the mirror and berate myself:

… You’re gaining weight with this intuitive eating thing, you look so gross

… Look at your tummy, that’s gross

… Your face looks so chubby

And I’ve realized that as I’ve become more critical of myself, I’ve also become more critical of others. I’m so ashamed and embarrassed to say that. I hate what these body dysmorphic thoughts have done to my mind. I don’t want to be the critical one. I don’t want to be the judgmental one. I know that's not who I am. I want to be the one who is accepting. The one who is loving.

This has lead me to think a lot about beauty and how I define it. In my twisted mind, beauty = skinniness. I feel beautiful when my face looks slender. I feel beautiful when my tummy feels flat. I feel beautiful when I see definition in my arms. This is not the way I want to define beauty. So I began asking God to change my view of beauty and I added a few new daily statements to my morning repertoire,

I believe I can change my definition of beauty.

I believe I can change the way I see beauty in myself and others.

But how should I define beauty? The other day, I heard the song, Beautiful Lord, and was captured by the use of the word beautiful in it - if you haven’t heard the song, take a moment to listen to it. The song describes the Lord as beautiful, but this challenges my twisted definition of beauty. I’ve never seen God. I have no idea if He has a flat tummy. And yet I don’t care! I would absolutely define the Lord as beautiful regardless of His tummy. I would absolutely say the Lord is beautiful regardless of the number on His scale. The song describes the Lord as beautiful because:

He is awesome

He is mighty

He is tender

He is Holy

He has mercy

He gives grace

He is a shelter

He has a gentle spirit

He is Majesty

If I don’t care about God’s tummy why do I need to spend so much time obsessing over mine? If God’s body has nothing to do with His beauty, why are physical attributes all that I focus on to define beauty? God is beautiful because of who he is, not if He has a 6-pack.

I think this is big. I think this is important for me to think about. Can I begin to see myself and others through this lens of beauty? Can I begin to redefine beauty and tell myself,

… I am beautiful because I have a gentle spirit

… I am beautiful because I am kind

… I am beautiful because I’m trying hard to get my mind right

… She is beautiful because of her confidence

… She is beautiful because of her hospitality and graciousness

… She is beautiful because of her strong will and fearlessness

I’m going to try. I’ve got to try. Society does NOTHING to help with this issue, but changing society’s views are (just a little) outside of my control. My mindset however, is entirely within my control. I need to start redefining the word beautiful and to use it how I use it to describe my beautiful Lord. Because of who I am and who she is and the amazing qualities we posses, not the muscle in our triceps or the tightness of our abs.

Your Journey

Does your definition of beautiful need some adjusting? How can you choose to start redefining beauty? Journal about it or comment below.

Setback Week

A disagreement with my husband over something as silly as laundry detergent was the last straw during a tense week of discussions about moving that sent me into a downward spiral of defeat. It sent me running back to the safe, comfortable clearing of binging and shame, and I ignored the cues to push forward through the muck of my journey like I know I want need to do.

On my way home from work I ignored the voices reminding me to do something that would be an “upward spiral” as Rebecca Scritchfield calls it in her book, Body Kindness. I ignored the voices saying:

… work on the blog it’s something you enjoy

… rest

… journal

… watch a sermon.

All of those thoughts crossed my mind. But when I walked through the door, a glass of wine, popcorn, and netflix sounded way better. So I gave into the voices that said:

… you can eat whatever you want

… pour another glass of wine

… a peanut butter and banana sandwich sounds like a good dinner choice

… and more peanut butter

… and a chocolate, and another chocolate, and just one last chocolate

… and while you’re at it, cookie butter, yes, add the cookie butter.

All I was thinking about was food. What I wanted to eat. What I shouldn’t eat. What sounded good to eat. What I’ll eat right now and then will vow to never eat again.

In the midst of it all, I considered choices I could make to “spiral up.” I thought about calling my cousin and talking to her about our moving discussion. “Nope” said the negative voice. I thought about texting my super encouraging friend to tell her I was losing it and struggling tonight. “She’s busy,” the voice told me. I thought about getting up and going for a walk or doing a yoga video. “It’s cold” I heard the voice say.

You might have read what I ate and thought, it’s not that bad. And while that might be true, my mindset was that bad. I was so wrapped up in worrying about how fat the banana and peanut butter was going to make me and what I was going to eat next that I wasn’t even enjoying it. I tell myself, bread and peanut butter are “bad foods” so I’m a “bad” person when I eat them. All of the shame, the feelings of worthlessness, and the circuitous toxic thoughts came back up:

… You’re such a failure

… There you go with the peanut butter… again

… This is a bad day. You’re going to look and feel gross tomorrow.

… You’re worthless. Plus your husband is mad at you. He’s probably thinking about leaving you.

Do you see how quickly that escalated? When I write it out, it seems absurd. It sounds hateful and hurtful and SO irrational. But I’m just being honest. If I dig a littler deeper, I realize I was feeling unsettled about the disagreement with my husband (as I usually do because I’m a people pleaser and always want everything to be perfect). But instead of stopping, recognizing, and processing those feelings, I turned to food to numb myself. I turned to thinking about food so I didn’t have to think about feelings. THIS is the cycle that has got to stop.

But having a setback like this is also a growth opportunity on my journey. I have to tell myself: setbacks are normal, setbacks happen, setbacks remind us we are changing. I have an opportunity to learn from this setback, to reflect on what I could have done differently this week to start some upwards spirals instead of giving in to my downward spirals.

Next time, I can choose to:

… Laugh. Watch five minutes of a funny YouTube video to lighten my mood and start “spiralling up.”

… Reach out. Text an encouraging friend and let others know I am struggling.

… Listen to something positive. Lay down, rest, and play a podcast episode from Trish Blackwell.

… Put the disagreement to the side and reconnect with what I know to be true. Instead of bashing my self-worth and rushing to an irrational worst case scenario, I can remind myself that just because someone disagrees with me, I am not a bad person, I am not an unworthy person, I am not an unlovable person. The truth is that I am loved, I am worthy, I am good. A disagreement with someone, even my husband, doesn’t change those truths.

Your Journey

What do you do on difficult days to get out of your funk? Journal about it or comment below!